


Hold Me Close, Don't Let Go (Phan)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, Mild Gore, Phanfiction, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, angsty Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2015-03-05
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:18:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3488027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I am not going to say look at me in the eyes and say it, because I know you can’t. I know all the secrets those brown eyes hide, too afraid to share, with me…” His voice broke, I hated to hurt him, and here I was, doing it again. “I am not going to ask you why you did it. I am not going to look at you in the eyes and make you promise me anything. We are better than that. You are better than that. You will be fine, and we will get out of this hospital and you will come back home with me, to our home. We will figure it out, like we always do.”<br/>His touch electrified me, yet I still longed for it. Hoping I would get to see a hint of anger in his eyes, I looked at him. Dealing with his anger would be much easier than dealing with his love I didn’t deserve.<br/>“I am not going back to our place Phil.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me Close, Don't Let Go (Phan)

As my head hit the pillow I closed my eyes and let the music drown everything out. I felt the hallow emptiness in my chest grow bigger now that Phil wasn’t here to fill it with his warmth. Thinking of him made my heart sink like an anchor in a deep sea, and I knew it would keep sinking until it hit rock bottom, which would happen to me eventually. I looked at the pictures on the wall of me, of us, I had the strongest urge to rip them, tore them apart, but I couldn’t find it in me to ruin them, I had already ruined so many things, they were enough.

"Eyes like a car crash, I know I shouldn’t look but I can’t turn away. Body like a whiplash, Salt my wounds but I can’t heal the way I feel about you."

Tears were biting the corners of my eyes, but I managed to blink them away. I wish it would be that easy with him, just blink away his pain. Oh God, how I wanted to.

"And on my deathbed, all I’ll see is you. The life may leave my lungs but my heart will stay with you".

Where the hell are you, Phil? Can’t you see how much I need you? Can’t you see I love you? Can’t you see how hard I try to be worthy of your love? Why are your deep blue eyes blind to me adoring you, how could you not see Phil? I tried so hard to show you, only if you would open your eyes to it. Oh God Phil, what are you doing to me?

That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul And like a deer in the headlights I meet my fate.

I couldn’t help it anymore, a single drop welled up from the corner of my eye and suddenly, the dam broke. Hot torrents of my pain coursed down my face, racking sobs lost in the music. I could feel my heart shattering with every tear, inevitably longing for Phil, only if he could see; only if he would look, he would find me staring back.

"Don’t try to fight the storm, you’ll tumble overboard Tides will bring me back to you"

Nothing would bring Phil back to me.

"The waves will pull us under. Tides will bring me back to you"

I tried to recover from the disastrous attempt at destroying myself, failing miserably. I tried to get up, my vision was blurry from my tears, and my shirt was soaked. I clumsily made my way to the bathroom and splashed water to my face, Phil would be home soon, he couldn’t see me like this, not like this. I looked at the mirror, meeting my devastated self, my eyes were bloodshot red, I didn’t look good, not at all. I tried to fix my hair at least, couldn’t even manage to make it look decent.  
“This is what I will be like when you are gone Phil. I hope you are proud of you work.”  
I stumbled back to my room and turned off the music, it clearly wasn’t helping at the moment.  
I pulled the covers over my head; it was the closest I could have gotten to complete isolation from the world. My stomach grumbled, I hadn’t eaten in couple of days, I felt miserable. I heard the front door open, and then close. He hesitantly yelled out my name, and then quickly walked upstairs. I knew him too well, of course he would check on me. That’s how it always had been. It broke my heart to know that would change.  
“Dan?”  
He came over and sat on my bed, worriedly looking at me. My gaze was fixated at the ceiling; I would not look at him.  
“Dan, is something wrong?”  
“I don’t know you tell me.”  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
“Dan please tell me what’s wrong? Why won’t you talk to me? We can work it out, please.”  
“Oh, can we?”  
“Have you been cutting? Dan! No! Please tell me-”  
He pulled up the covers, revealing the blood stained sheets, and my arms. His face expression was undistinguishable. He looked shocked, that’s for sure. He held my fist and moved my arm to his forehead, stayed that way for a while. I knew it would be the wrong time to let my tears fall, but I did anyways. Phil wasn’t a stranger. He wasn’t. He was my best friend. He was…  
“Why, Dan?” He cried out, his tears mixed with my blood. I pulled away from him, he looked startled. I quickly got up, ignoring the dizziness. It didn’t matter, not right now.  
“You don’t have to babysit me; Phil. Nobody should have to babysit me. Just… leave me alone okay. I need to be alone for a while.”  
He looked down. He was crying. He had no idea what I wouldn’t do to stop his tears, what I would do. I pressed my lips together. I had to do it before he did, it was inevitable. I had no right to do this to him. All I ever brought him was pain, he didn’t need me.  
“I am sorry Phil. I never mean to hurt you, but I always end up hurting you. Why do I always end up hurting you, I don’t know. But I know this. You deserve much more than me. You… I don’t even know how to say this. I want to move out Phil.”  
I would rather die a thousand times than see that painful shock on his face. I wish I had. He opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him.  
“Please, don’t say anything.”  
“Dan, we can… I don’t know. I just want you to stay.”  
“Open your eyes Phil. Open your fucking eyes. I am not worth your love, not worth your time. Hell, I am not worth anything. I am not capable of anything, and I am useless and vulnerable and pathetic and needy. I am tired of you babysitting me. Please don’t try to stop me. I will be gone by the morning.”  
He tried to reach for me but I pulled away.  
“I can’t continue this anymore Phil, I am sorry. It was stupid to think we could have shared more than memories and a flat in the first place. I screwed everything up, now please don’t get in my way and let me clean up the mess I have made in your life. By the next morning, you will have nothing left of me.”  
“Dan!” His voice broke, what the hell was I doing to him.  
“Dan, we can fix this, please don’t leave me.” His each tear was a wound to me, I would always remember this, I would never forgive myself for this.  
“Dan… please don’t leave me. You can’t…”  
“I have to Phil. I am sorry. I came in your life like a tornado; I would not like to leave like one.”  
I turned around before he could say another word. He left the room silently. I opened crawled into my bed. I knew I wouldn’t be getting any sleep, I knew next door he would be wide awake too. I am sorry Phil, I had to. Around five in the morning, I packed everything personal, the cactus, the pillows, everything. Except the part of me I was leaving with Phil, I was ready to go. I grabbed a pencil and a paper from the table, quickly scrawled out something for Phil. He deserved more than a piece of paper; our friendship deserved more than a piece of paper.

There are no words to describe how I am feeling right now. I don’t want to leave you Phil, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore. You are truly amazing, Phil. I don’t think I would have made it here without you, thank you. For everything, for every minute you tended to my wounds, I am thankful. I love you so much, and I always will. But I couldn’t tell you this because I am a coward. Thanks for the chance you have given me. I never deserved it in the first place. I started this for you, and I will end it for you too. Goodbye Phil.  
Dan  
I walked past his room, taking a step back. He was sitting on his bed, his shoulders slumped, his eyes fixated on the floor, all the life drained out of him. He was wearing his red shirt, my personal favorite, and now every time I would think of him, I would see him like this, lifeless and still. I desperately wanted to soothe him, tell him I wasn’t going anywhere, but I was, and I wasn’t coming back. I grabbed my stuff and exited the flat, something I had done millions of times, now was different. The door wouldn’t be open for me the next time I came back, it had shut to my face long before, I had just chose to ignore it, but it was time to grow up. Phil didn’t want me. I closed to door quietly. It was over. I was over.  
I spent the day at PJ’s, he didn’t ask about Phil, still I doubted that he understood.  
“Do you want something to drink?”  
“No, thanks PJ, really.”  
“Dan, there is something you aren’t telling me.”  
“There are a lot of things friends shouldn’t tell each other.” Like telling your best friend you loved him, I thought to myself. I was being a hypocrite, I hated myself for it. I hated myself for a lot of other things; one thing added to it wouldn’t budge the scale.  
I excused myself to go to sleep and made my way to the bathroom, it wasn’t unfamiliar. This was the toilet bowl Phil threw up in after a party, this was the shower curtain that Phil got tangled in while taking a video, this was his toothbrush, oh god Phil. How am I going to live without you? Am I even going to live?  
I opened the medicine cabinet, come one PJ, you have to have something. After shuffling through his bathroom stuff, I laid my eyes on the cold, sharp blade. I sat on the floor, my legs crossed, linoleum cold and hard against my skin. I placed it over my wrist and dragged it across, watching the crimson blood drip. I did it again, and again, and again until I ran out of skin to play with. The tile was ruined, painted with my own blood. Last one, I thought to myself, this will be the last one. I pressed it too hard, sliced too deep, loved too much, cared too much, missed him too much, too much blood, too much banging on the door, too many cuts, so little Phil. I let myself float, I felt sirens in my head, black spots dotted my vision, I was ending it, peacefully.  
“Dan! Dan! Open your eyes! What the hell did you do? Dan!”  
Darkness fell over me like a blanket, the cold tiles bit into my skin. My arm felt numb. I couldn’t process why, everything hurt. The ringing in my ears became unbearable, I wanted it to end. PJ’s panicked screams echoed inside my head, and I had no reason to hold on, so I let go, of everything.  
The sound of the sirens, blood, screaming, shouting, blood, an ambulance, Phil blended together, making my head a mess, more than it already was. I tried to open my eyes once again with the sliver of hope of Phil being there, he wasn’t. Darkness again.  
The machine’s beeping and the constant shuffling sound woke me up, I looked around for Phil. No Phil. My eyelids felt heavy, so did my heart. Phil wasn’t here. My eyelids felt heavy, I didn’t resist it, let the darkness take over me.  
“I am sorry. He is in critical condition, he lost too much blood. We will have to see.”  
“What do you mean we will have to see? Is he going to be alright?”  
“We can’t know for sure right now, like I told you before. He lost too much blood.”  
I remembered that voice, the weary, deep, soothing voice; Phil’s. He was here. I opened my eyes and blinked a couple of times to get used to the bright light. I was in a hospital room, my arm bandaged. PJ noticed me waking up and hurriedly motioned to Phil, who had been standing at the door.  
“Dan! You are awake.”  
“I guess I am.” My voice was husky and hoarse. I needed some water. I didn’t dare to look at Phil, I was either going to see the hate in his eyes, or fall in love with him all over again. I didn’t know which one was worse.  
“Hey, Dan.” He was quiet and distant; like he was afraid I could shatter into pieces if he touched me. He reached out for my hand; I didn’t pull away this time. I couldn’t.  
“How are you doing?”  
“Good… Bad… I don’t know, but I am fine, don’t worry about me.”  
I looked down nervously, he had known me for too long, he would know if I wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t.  
“I am not going to say look at me in the eyes and say it, because I know you can’t. I know all the secrets those brown eyes hide, too afraid to share, with me…” His voice broke, I hated to hurt him, and here I was, doing it again. “I am not going to ask you why you did it. I am not going to look at you in the eyes and make you promise me anything. We are better than that. You are better than that. You will be fine, and we will get out of this hospital and you will come back home with me, to our home. We will figure it out, like we always do.”  
His touch electrified me, yet I still longed for it. Hoping I would get to see a hint of anger in his eyes, I looked at him. Dealing with his anger would be much easier than dealing with his love I didn’t deserve.  
“I am not going back to our place Phil.”  
He looked hurt, his bloodshot eyes clouded with confusion.  
“There is no “us” left for me to hold on to. I confessed my love and you said you didn’t want to ruin our friendship, I get it, okay? I get it. Every time I look at you, all I want to do is love you. I don’t have any more of that left in me Phil. You will never love me back, what is the point of this, of “us””  
“Dan…”  
“Do not…. Say another word. I know everything Phil. When were you going to tell me? In ten years? I am doing you I favor. I did what you were scared to do, I left. So please, you go your way, and I go mine?”  
“What is your way Dan? Look at you-“  
“Were you going to say hurt, pathetic, self-loathing, and imbecile? Well, don’t waste your breath I already know these things. PJ, can you take Phil outside? Please?”  
The way he looked at me before he left was the end of it, I couldn’t keep it in, I had no right to hurt Phil, but I was. I wish I had ended it. It would be better for all of us. He would mourn for me a couple of weeks then it would be over. Dan Howell would be forgotten, like he always deserved to be.  
I left the hospital three days later; I didn’t have it in me to face PJ so I gathered my stuff and went to a hotel. I wanted something that would distract me from this, I suddenly realized without Phil, or YouTube, I had nothing I could do. I was nothing.  
2 years later…2017  
I tucked the mail under my arm and went back inside. London weather was just not dependable. I threw the mail on the table and grabbed myself a hoodie. Phil’s hoodie. It somehow ended up with my clothes, I couldn’t find a good time to return it. I was too cold to care so I pulled it over my head, struggling a little. It still smelled like Phil, it made me smile unconsciously. I walked over to the kitchen table, sipping the milk straight out of the carton. I reached for the stack of paper.I looked over the mail; acting agencies, BBC Radio, the phone company, YouTube, Phil. I was startled by the fancy white envelope. Phil never bothered with good quality paper, let alone write to me. Phillip Lester. Why was he so normal? Maybe because you confessed your love and left days after, attempted suicide and ruined your friendship. I never meant to do those things, but I never meant to fall in love with Phil in the first place. We do things we don’t mean.  
I opened the envelope, there was a card with a picture of Phil in a suit smiling at some other guy in a suit, grinning. No, no, Phil, no, no, Phil. No!  
We would be more than happy to invite to our wedding ceremony at July 9th, Sunday.  
Phillip Lester & Sebastian Taylor.  
There was a picture inside with two men holding hands, cat whiskers drawn on their face. Cat whiskers. I smiled bitterly. Phil was my best friend. I loved him, yes. I wanted him to be happy. Then why was I feeling like this, like I had crashed into a wall? I didn’t care. He wanted me to be there. So I was going to be.  
July 9th, 2017  
I walked down the long corridor, leading to the ceremony room. I had to say it was lovely, Phil had deserved this. I sat down at my reserved spot, the card read Daniel Howell, next to Tyler Oakley. I hadn’t seen him in forever, I hadn’t seen Phil in forever. I had missed him. I sipped the orange juice left on the table, trying to calm my nerves, anixously pulling at my black tie. Phil is getting married. A couple of minutes later, Tyler came and sat next to me, his smile not bright like usual.  
“Hey, Dan!”  
I managed to say hi without bursting out in tears, that was a plus. He looked at me with pure concern. I was tired of people worrying about me but after 2 years of loneliness, it felt good.  
“I didn’t think you would be here.”  
“Why wouldn’t I be?”  
“You know…. Never mind. I was being mindless and stupid. I… I am sorry Dan.”  
I nodded. I was the one causing this uncomfortable silence, I was the one who ruined his own life, I had to feel sorry for myself. I really was pathetic. Phil is getting married.  
“How is life without Ph- You know what? I should just stop talking.” He sighed and mumbled something about him being stupid. That’s when I saw Phil walking down the aisle with whatever his name was. As they did, you could see them fall in love all over again. My wish was granted. Phil found who he had needed. But what was left of me without him, I didn’t know. He kept on smiling his bright smile, warming up my insides. Knowing they weren’t for me, I looked away. I didn’t realize the ceremony ended until I saw Tyler clapping enthusiastically. Phil is married. You are too late. Phil met my eyes, his smile slightly fading. If I hadn’t known him for all these years, I wouldn’t have noticed. But I did and I did.  
After the ceremony, I went up and told them congratulations, I smiled, but Phil knew. He knew that I wasn’t okay with this, he knew my heart, so he knew it was breaking. Phil is married. He is in love. Not with you. Never will. I gave them both a hug and left. It was that easy. I got in my car and put my head down. It was too much.  
“Phil, I need you more than ever. Why can’t you be here?”  
“Because you never let me in.”  
He knocked on the window for me to open it. I unlocked the doors instead. He opened the door and sat down.  
“You finally got a car, yeah?”  
“Yeah.” I was too surprised to give a normal answer, I settled with a simpler one.  
“Congratulations, Phil”  
“Screw you, Dan. We both know the truth.”  
He cussed occasionally, that meant he wasn’t happy.  
“Look, the only reason I left was so that you would be happy. You cant just invite me to your wedding.”  
“Oh, I can’t? Well, I did and you came.”  
“You are my best friend of course I came. I always come when you call. When did I not?”  
“I don’t know, last 2 years maybe.”  
His words were like knives aimed at my heart, my mind. I forced a smile.  
“You look good in that suit. It suits you.”  
“I was going to say, I hate you, but I don’t. I said that to you so many times, it feels normal. It shouldn’t be Dan. It shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I am a coward and I was a coward and that’s why this is happening, I am sorry. If I had told you before, would you have stayed?”  
“No. I left because I wanted to. I made my choice, you should make yours.”  
He turned to face me, the bluest blue was piercing into my soul.  
“I already did.”  
“You said you weren’t going to let go of me, Phil.”  
“Dan, don’t be childish, we don’t get what we want all the time. I have to let you go, just like you had to leave. I love you, I always will, but I moved on. I am sorry, maybe you should try falling in love again, with the right person this time. I wish you get everything you want in life. Bye, Dan.”  
He shut the door and left without looking back once more. As I watched him go, I could feel my heart physically breaking. Without him, I was meaningless, without me, he was happy. I didnt have the right to take that from him, and I wasn't going to. I drove back to my flat in silence. My phone rang couple of times, but I ignored it. I should have never showed up, I should have never left in the first place. My wish was granted, congratulations to me, Phil was happy. If he was, so was I.


End file.
